What a difference a week makes. Just last Wednesday, you could have put money on most MPs being totally clueless about the exact location of the Chagos Islands. Give them a map and many would have better luck being blindfolded.
Even a hint wouldn’t have made much difference. Are they east, west, south or north of Mauritius? To be in with a shout, you have to know where Mauritius is. And most MPs wouldn’t get within 500 miles. The Indian Ocean is bigger than you think. And don’t get them started on Diego Garcia. Surely he’s the younger brother of the titular character in the 1974 Sam Peckinpah film Bring me the Head of Alfredo Garcia.
Right now though, the Commons is full on both sides of the chamber – though the Tories are the most vocal – of MPs who have become experts on the Chagos Islands. Steeped in the islands’ culture and geopolitical significance. Thrilled to pontificate on something about which they know vanishingly little, yet about which they can appear thrillingly self-righteous.
Weirdly, no one is bothered about the Chagossians themselves. Labour have happily turned them over to the Mauritians when many would prefer self-determination. Meanwhile, the Tories want them all to remain in Crawley. For reasons no one quite understands, most Chagossians in exile have ended up living underneath the Gatwick flight path.
Having informed the world last week that a deal on the future of the Chagos Islands had been agreed with Mauritius, David Lammy was rather obliged to go through the motions of officially telling the Commons on Monday afternoon. Cue outrage from the speaker and the opposition. How dare the government not tell MPs first. The Tories might have had a stronger case had they not regularly done exactly the same when they were in power. Thing is that governments always do exactly as they please. Parliament is just an irritation.
The foreign secretary sounded tired. As if it was all just a bit of an effort. It was like this: the Tories had started negotiations to hand over the Chagos Islands to the Mauritians more than two years ago. James Cleverly – Jimmy Dimly had understandably scarpered from the chamber before the statement began – and Lord Big Dave had been party to 11 rounds of talks that had been left unfinished by the time of the general election. All Labour had done was dotted the Is and crossed the Ts. Just to get the deal over the line.
It had been no big deal. The Americans were thrilled with the deal that still gave them joint control of Diego Garcia as a military base. The Brits notionally share the base, though our claim amounts to little more than being able to flip burgers for the US armed forces. The international court of justice was thrilled that its advisory ruling that Britain should hand the islands to Mauritius had been obeyed. After all it’s not often that countries take much notice of the ICJ, so this counted as a big win for them.
As for the inhabitants that had been forcibly removed back in the 1960s and 70s, they were free to return to the uninhabited islands if they wanted. Providing they didn’t mind being governed by Mauritius, which was more than 1,300 miles (2,150km) away to the south-west. The only people – other than the Tories – who were unhappy with the outcome were the Chagossians themselves, who have been in a lose-lose situation for decades.
Andrew Mitchell, the shadow foreign secretary, was incandescent, bellowing out his reply so loudly that we all needed earplugs. He is a one-man health and safety hazard. We are giving our base away, he insisted. Clearly he had missed the bit about Diego Garcia remaining under US and UK control. Perhaps his shouting has also made him deaf. Or perhaps he’s just got an extremely short attention span.
“This is the end of the world as we know it,” said Andy. Within weeks, one of these uninhabited islands would be taken over by the Chinese and used as a rival strategic base in the Indian Ocean. The Mauritians couldn’t be trusted. Which foreigners can?
Andy was raging against the dying of the light of the British empire. First Chagos, next the Falklands and Gibraltar. Another colonial relic casually tossed aside and given back to people who didn’t deserve their own country. Until the Chagossians could be trusted to look after themselves and not do deals with other countries, it was better for them to remain a British protectorate. It’s what they would have chosen if they had been able to think for themselves.
Lammy had another go at explaining the mechanics of the deal. And the Tories’ role in it. He had merely concluded what Cleverly and Big Dave had started. Which, come to think of it, didn’t exactly scream total confidence in the deal. If it had been as good as he said it was, then Labour would be taking all the credit all for themselves, not blaming the Conservatives.
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This didn’t stop Tory after Tory being outraged about the deal that they would have endorsed if they had got round to it themselves. Timing is everything, and they were a couple of months too late. Nigel Farage was irritated that we had done a deal that suited an international court. He won’t be happy until we are a pariah state. He’s backing Iran and North Korea. Emily Thornberry was most concerned about the fish. She didn’t want foreigners enticing tuna out of the marine protected area with love songs.
Earlier in the day, Keir Starmer had given a sombre, measured statement to mark the anniversary of the Hamas attacks on Israel. But the words only reminded us all of the limitations of diplomacy. He called for an immediate ceasefire, the return of the hostages and a two-state solution. But no one in Israel, Gaza, Lebanon or Iran is listening. The sentiments were better said than not said. But futile, nonetheless.
The Tory Richard Holden thought we should send in the SAS to rescue the hostages. Because obviously we can do what the Israelis can’t. Kit Malthouse suggested a novel solution: a violent ceasefire. One where peace is achieved by killing people. Nothing has ever been too ridiculous for Kit. For once, he wasn’t in the mood to compromise.
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A year in Westminster: John Crace, Marina Hyde and Pippa Crerar
On Tuesday 3 December, join Crace, Hyde and Crerar as they look back at a political year like no other, live at the Barbican in London and livestreamed globally. Book tickets here or at guardian.live
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