Name: Beef tallow.
Age: Ancient.
Appearance: Perfect for youthful, dewy skin.
I’m in. How much of it do I have to eat? Eat? That’s disgusting. Why would you eat beef tallow?
To give me youthful and dewy skin, like you said. Yes, but I never mentioned anything about eating it. I meant you should slather it all over your face.
To be clear, we both have the same definition of beef tallow here? Rendered beef suet, the fat from around the animal’s kidneys, that’s right. If you’re British, you could think of it as high-quality dripping. Rub it all over your face.
But why? Oh, the same reason that anyone does anything these days: it’s big on TikTok. A bunch of gen Z influencers have been singing the praises of tallow as a face cream. One called it “nature’s Botox” and another professed to not having washed their face for three months because smearing rendered beef fat on it has cleared up their acne.
This sounds like a miracle. Well, about that. One study has linked using beef tallow as a face cream with photosensitivity. It is also thought to irritate skin in some cases.
Oh. Plus we live in an age where the cosmetic industry tries to be cruelty-free and sustainable. I shouldn’t have to tell you that chunks of fat that have been sliced off dead cows and melted isn’t really either of those things.
Oh. And McDonald’s used to fry its chips in low-grade beef tallow. So if you wipe it on your face, you may smell like an old-timey fast food restaurant.
So that’s a no to tallow, then. Probably. But it’s OK. There are plenty of other cosmetic fads to try.
Such as? Well, last month TikTok also advised rubbing garlic on your face, but that was quickly shot down by dermatologists who suggested it might cause chemical burns.
That’s no good. You can also buy facial masks containing snail slime or nightingale poo, or have a facial procedure containing salmon sperm. Or do what Kate Beckinsale did and get injected with a serum containing cells from a South Korean baby’s foreskin.
What’s wrong with water? Pardon?
Can’t people just wash their face with water? Where’s the fun in that?
What do you mean? Well, aren’t all these fads – and the entire beauty industry – just an elaborate scheme of profiting from our deep collective insecurity? If we can convince people that they’re physically disgusting, and then wave some new miracle cure in their face, they’re going to lap it up, aren’t they? Listen, we’ve managed to convince people to rub chip fat on their faces. Isn’t that hilarious?
No, it’s depressing and cynical. Oh, don’t worry. It’s a TikTok fad. This time next week we’ll have forgotten about it and be encouraging people to gargle urine or something instead. It’s the circle of life.
Do say: “Beef tallow might not be the skincare miracle it’s made out to be.”
Don’t say: “Similarly, don’t fry your chips in soap.”